I did not expect this past year to have gone the way it did. 2020 was full of loss, heartbreak, and tears. It is hard to look back and see a year of happy times when the bad times were so heavy. You see, even if there was more happy, the toll of the bad is too much to bare. I spent 2020 in a mental low. The places that normally take my mind off of things were not able to do that anymore. I could no longer attend church and feel safe. I could not go to work without leaving sad and disheartened. Every aspect of my life took a hit and I was unsure how to handle it. The terrible of 2020 has caused a lot of excitement in me for 2021. Although the craziness of the world will not change just because it is a new year, it still brings hope. Almost like a new start. I get to leave all the negative in 2020 and move forward. The toxic people, relationships, and attitudes can all be left behind as I step into the new year. The choice of taking care of myself and moving forward is the one I made for 2021. I am not one to make a new year resolution. I honestly have never been someone to make one, and I am not making one this year either. I see new year resolutions as something that people make just because it is the popular thing to do. They do it knowing it will be broken. I would rather set goals constantly and better myself throughout the year. Instead of seeing how far into the new year I can make it with the resolution, I just live and try my hardest. When I fail or have a slip up, because we all do, I just dust myself off and pick up where I left off.
That was my plan for this new year, but the year has already started off rocky. I have been sick with COVID-19 since the day after Christmas. I have had every single symptom possible. It started with what felt like allergies, then got worse as the days went. The headache I had was unbearable and something I had never experienced. I spent 3 days laying in the dark because my head could not stand light or any kind of screen. Then, as soon as I thought I was better, I lost taste and smell, and the body aches started. Oh my gosh. The body aches were horrible. I was unable to sit, lay, stand, or walk comfortably. I would walk the halls of my house until I could not stand the pain anymore, sit down, and do that until I was forced to stand by the pain. Eventually I would fall asleep from exhaustion and do it all again the next day. Happy 2021 to me, right? That is the attitude I took on. I saw it as 2021 already being a failure. I am still recovering at home and am still having a hard time having the best outlook. I just feel very disheartened and frustrated with the way the new year is going. I have felt like, even though I know I am not, I am the only one going through this right now. I feel so lonely in my experience and very down that I spent my New Years alone in my bedroom sick. The truth is I am scared. It scares me that I am coming up on day 12 and am not really getting better. I am scared that I am still having to be out of work and am not getting paid for the two weeks I have been out of work. I lay down to go to bed at night and that is when the dark thoughts come in. “What if I develop pneumonia?”. “What if I do not recover?”. “Should I call my doctor? What if I do not?”. “How do I pay rent? Groceries? Gas?.” The list of questions go on and on. Oftentimes the questions lead to thoughts of me dying, and then I cannot sleep. It is a cycle that takes place every single night.
This is not how I planned 2021 to start for me. But that is the key, isn’t it? It is not how I planned it. 2020 most definitely did not go how I planned it either, but I am happier and healthier. God planned it. God knew everything that would take place in 2020 in my life and He knew the outcome it would bring me. My options were to allow myself to break under the bad, or grow through it. I eventually decided to grow and I am so grateful for the bad. The bad is what turned me to God, asking for help, asking for our relationship back. It is what brought me the joy and health I experience today. God molded me through 2020. I did not see it at the time, of course. I was angry, frustrated, and focusing on all the things that crashed down in my life. But once God changed my focus onto growth through Him, I began changing. I changed for the better. Now, looking back, this helps me today. The scary thoughts will always creep in. the bad will always find a way into my life. But, I can let it beat me down or I can grow. I choose growth. I choose trusting God with my life and my future. I know that when I lay down at night I will still have scary thoughts that will creep in I also know that choosing trust does not mean God is going to immediately heal me. But I do know that His plan for me is far greater than anything I could have planned for myself. I want Him to have full control of my life, no matter the bad I will be put through. I know that might sound crazy. Who is thankful for the bad times in their life? Me. I am. Because I have seen the growth and the beauty that God brings out of those times.
So, instead of allowing the scary thoughts to drive my thoughts at night, I will pray. I will pray and talk to God until I fall asleep. Prayer is an extremely powerful tool against our mind. Thoughts will always creep in, but you can change your focus to God by praying, which kicks out the scary. I am not going to lie, the scary always seems like it finds a way back into my mind, even if I try really hard to change focus. But I will keep praying and trusting in God and His plan for me.
Choose growth through God. Choose trust in God.
Kokonaomi
