I have been trying for months to do exactly as the title says. I have felt like I have been in a dream, and not necessarily a good one, for so long. It is why I have not been writing and why I have been keeping to myself. I am generally an open book, but it has been different with this. But I feel like there has to be someone else out there who feels like I do. Someone else out there is going through exactly what I am, which means I can help. I want to help anyone I can so I am going to try to explain my recent life. Maybe this post will be relatable to you, maybe it won’t. Either way what I am going to be talking about can come up in the future if it hasn’t already, so it can end up being helpful to you too.
As you may know I recently moved with a couple of my friends to a small town outside of the city I am attending college at. Moving was necessary for the healing I desperately needed and to continue towards my dream job. I knew the move would have its ups and downs but there was no way for me to see just how hard it would be. Going from living in a big city to living in a tiny town has not been the easiest. I have learned over the years, and through this move, that I am a city girl. I love living on the outskirts of a big city, it is just a part of who I am. I used to spend every day at the park and out of the house before I moved to a small town, and now it just is not as possible. I like being out of the house and spending my time either outside or actually doing something. Therefore, the change from having something to do all the time to having nothing to do hardly ever has taken a big toll on me mentally. There are times I just feel completely restless at home but have no way to let it out. Man, I miss the city.
Along with moving is getting a new job. I have a job that I actually enjoy doing, but circumstances at work bring me down. I do not fit in, which is fine, but constantly being left out or feeling alone has been difficult. This is something I am still working through and figuring out. And then there is the incredible topic of school. I am a 23 year old still pursuing a bachelors degree. That’s fine right? The issue is I already have my bachelors degree through a different university than the one I am at now, but apparently they messed me up. Hardly any of my credits transferred and I have recently been told I am having to get a completely different bachelors degree in order to be a child life specialist, but all the classes are extremely similar. Hearing this news sent me on a downward spiral. I almost dropped out of school completely out of frustration and embarrassment of my situation. I actually have not been able to picture a future for myself for months now and I think it has to do a lot with everything I feel is going wrong in my life. Not being able to see any kind of future for yourself can take you straight into a bad place mentally and that place is where I have been. Maybe you have been in this place as well. Maybe you are like me and watching everyone around you hitting the big milestones at the “right time”. It probably makes you feel behind in life and embarrassed for not moving forward in life at the time everyone else is. The areas this may pop up in is choosing the right major for you, graduating college, entering your career, getting married, and starting a family.
Before I entered into college I had my life mapped out completely. I knew at what age I wanted to graduate, get married, start a family etc. The sad part is I genuinely believed that was how my life would go. I was very wrong, obviously. I ended up changing major as a senior in college, I am single, and still a couple years away from my career. For a while I felt like a complete failure, sometimes I still do. I cannot come up with one good reason nothing in my life has gone according to plan. But there it is. My mapped out life plan was MINE. What is unfolding in front of me is God’s plan. I am completely guilty, however, of not trusting His plan and all I do is ask why. Why has God placed me so behind in life compared to everyone else? The truth is He hasn’t. I am not behind in life at all. We get so wrapped up in what society says about our life and where we should be. Think about it. The reason you feel you have to graduate and enter your career after 4 years of college is because society says you should by then. The reason you feel you should be getting married by your early 20s is because society says you should. Why do we allow society to dictate where we should be in life instead of trusting God’s plan? I am absolutely guilty of this everyday, but why is it so easy to let society’s standards tell you you are behind in life when the truth is you are right where you should be? I mean I genuinely have allowed these standards to take me to a dark place mentally and into a depression. My depression recently has been rooted in all of this.
It is easy to tell yourself to trust God’s plan, but when you are being told how behind you are in life, it is hard to not grow bitter towards where He has you in life. How can we praise and thank God through times where all you can do is question His plan for you? How can we fully trust His plan? I am going to drop some verses below for you to read and I am also going to speak about the verses briefly.
Proverbs 3:5-6: The cliche verse pulled out of scripture for this topic. “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” When I am beginning to question God on where He has me in life I try to remember I can only see so much of the picture He is painting. I can only understand so much because of how little I see. There is proof in my life that I look back on that reminds me of the truth of this. The loss of certain relationships in my life tore me apart. I did not understand any of it or why God placed people in my life just to have them taken out abruptly, but it was for my good. I can now see how losing those people was best for me and even why they were placed in my life in the first place. So, I may not understand right in this moment why I haven’t hit certain milestones, but I can trust it is for my good and God is holding me through it.
James 4:13-15: We can plan and map out our lives all we want, but the truth is, we have no idea what tomorrow has for us. The plans we have can crumble in a day. This is why I try to only plan to an extent now and I try to just trust that no matter what happens with my plans, God’s got it.
Jeremiah 29:11: God knows the plans He has for you and your life. Plans for a future and for hope. I know it is not always as easy to fully trust His plan as it is to simply say you trust, but you can work on that. Trust me, I understand wanting to be in control of your own life, but God being in control is better and you have to remind yourself of that.
Following God is not easy and it never will be. But God has a plan for you and His plan is for your good. What you believe is best for you may actually be really bad for you, you just cannot see it like God can. I am far from being out of this whole I have dug myself into, but I am working on it. Realizing I am allowing society to bring me to such a dark place based on lies is really frustrating, because the truth is I am exactly where I am supposed to be. So are you.
List out past ways God has shown His faithfulness when you thought He had abandoned you. Reminding yourself of those times can help you trust where He has you in life and what He is unfolding before you. Wake up sleepyhead and realize who you are allowing to control your life, society or God.
Kokonaomi
